Scatterbrain

April 2015

You asked me last night,  if I'd run away with you. As crazy as it sounds, I think I'd take that chance. arranged marriage whatever you may say, somehow for me finding someone you connect with, is far more important. I'd be like that. wanting to be with someone because I want to be with them. something that I've discovered about myself even before. If someone else wants to conform and fit in like that with regards to what everyone else wants, to each their own then.

Yes I've been in love before. Hopelessly. I would have done anything to be with them. Even if it didn't mean the whole marriage thing. They didn't want to take a chance. I did. When you get stood up like that for the longest time by someone you want to be with,  you begin to lose faith in them. Only they can restore your lost faith, your lost sanity.

It's taken me a mighty long time to accept that. I don't regret the choices I've made. I've given my all before, stood at a place where I've lost all. Seen nothing but despair for months together. Kept away from everything, everyone. Known what I don't want anymore. You may stand there and look at my life. judge me for the choices I've made. judge me for the way I think. But I don't think I'd like to change myself, now that I finally have discovered all of these things about me.

So if you'd ask me if I'd run away. I would. As insane as it sounds, I've begun to feel things for you that I probably haven't felt before. For anyone for that matter. I'm seething in one moment,  blushing in the next. Exasperated in one moment, jumping with joy a moment later. I wouldn't call it a roller coaster of emotions,  it's too over rated. Crazy cups and saucers may come closer to the feeling. It might even be a hurricane or a tornado. I don't know what's gonna happen next. What will blow me away. What shall surprise me. What shall please me. What shall upset me.

That scares me, you having that effect over me. I'm scared I'm falling at too great a velocity. I'm scared of wanting you too much. I'm scared my want will turn into a need. The kind of need that's difficult to get over. That I'd crave for you constantly. Wanting to hold you captive in our own world, a bubble of sorts for you and me.

I'm scared I'd grow too selfish in matters related to you. That I'd want you all by myself. That I'd turn into an extremely possessive person. I fear I'd make you run in the opposite direction by all that I'd do. That you'd turn away from this intensity we share.

There's times I want you to kiss me senseless. Everything seems to be going at a pace too slow then. There's times I think we're moving too fast. I just want run away then. Forget about everything else that has been said or done.

All of these funny thoughts are going through my head right now. You calling me a scatter brain being the thought on top. I've begun to feel like a prism. A scant ray of sunshine seeping through the door. Small particles of dust carried through, roaming about in the air, scattering along in the bright light. Scatter brain alright.

~S

July 2017

Happy Birthday Love, I may not have been the best person to you. Somewhere inside of me is that woman who is still crazy about you. Still scared, still wanting you. Let's begin again?