Things I'm afraid to tell you

I begin to write this with nothing particular in my mind. A lot of things have been spinning about in my head for a couple of days now. I find myself unable to explain what I feel to people around me. The reason being, I'm surrounded by people who have known me most of my life. They know me quite well. They can tell with just a glance or a single sentence the state of my being. Something I've learned very recently when I found I need to tell you things that affect me.

When it comes to you, I’ve been quite a dummy so far. I don't communicate what I want to communicate,  I don't tell you how I feel, I am afraid to tell you exactly what's on my mind. I know you aren't a mind reader, somewhere I keep forgetting that you're new to me as I am new to you. To understand someone completely takes a long time, we have had just a few months so far. They have been quite blissful I must admit. Getting to know you more every day is something I look forward to. As we discovered our similarities initially, now we discover our differences too. There's so much more headed our way from here onward.

I'm quite a stubborn creature in my right. I am prone to being unreasonable too. I will pout and huff and puff and sulk, skirt around the things that need to be said, expecting the other person to understand my point of view, without telling it at all. You have this honest approach in things. I hear the sincerity in your voice when you tell me something. I fall in love with you more when you do. I keep wishing I could tell you things the way you do to me.

Forgive me for my inabilities in this matter. Know that I open up to you more with each passing day. I promise you, I do. For a long time I kept things away in my chest, not telling a soul what I felt. I've learned to be comfortable with my own thoughts. Sharing things often exhausts me, to the point where I want to cut off from everybody. I get irked when someone invades my personal thought space too much. But with you it's been different.

I find myself wanting to tell you things. Wanting to share parts of my soul that no one knows a thing about. Tell you silly stories that probably don't make sense. Share a warm comforting silence with you, finding solace in your company.

I'm scared though darling. That you would know how I really am. That you wouldn't accept me. That you'd see the not so wonderful things about me and fall out of love. See through the petty insecurities I possess. You and I differ in so many ways. I tend to be a worry wart, while you're pretty easygoing. Perhaps I will learn to take things not so seriously, perhaps I won't. I worry you'd tire of me, my ways. I know I can be quite a difficult person to be with.

I often wonder can one truly love another being. Accept the flaws they have. Love them despite the things we dislike about them. Continue loving them minus the selfish reasons that we do love other people for. I have so many questions spinning about in my head. I am terrified, scared.

Yet having you near pacifies me. I may not be able to tell you the way I feel right now. But you must know, with you, everything seems right. You've begun to make me open up, for better.

As I end this, I realize I haven't said anything to you in particular. I'm still afraid to tell you some things I want to tell. Maybe I will some other time.

It might just take a little more while.

~ S